I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
one two three fourrrrnication!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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