The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
