I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
