it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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