My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
