your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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