What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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