I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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