wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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