rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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