Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
