Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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