Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
