got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
