I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
