everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
