He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
