dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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