apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
