i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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