he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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