So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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