i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
