how do flat chested girls get laid?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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