Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Shame - the story of my life.
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