i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
