Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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