then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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