I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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