even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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