every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just cropdusted the office
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
