I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
