There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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