oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I did not marry a roomba.
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