I got chris browned last night
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
