I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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