Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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