I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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