Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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