you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
