dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
