ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
