burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
