I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
