I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
