I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
