grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
