Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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