It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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