Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
